


Greyzone

by Far_Away_From_Sane



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Clary Fray-centric, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Gen, Sad, Season 1, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Slice of Life, basically it's clary throughout her life up to season 1 final, kind of, not really - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-02
Updated: 2017-01-02
Packaged: 2018-09-14 06:01:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9165268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Far_Away_From_Sane/pseuds/Far_Away_From_Sane
Summary: Clary was quite the chubby child, she wasn’t fat by any means but her cheeks were a bit rounder than the average kid and her body a bit plump, of course that didn’t matter when she was yet to hit puberty. Kids are allowed to be a bit plump and cozy, but when puberty hit and she gained boobs and hips and her body started acting up the comments began.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is just my way of getting the bad thoughts out of my mind so please enjoy  
> (Has not been proofread...sorry)

Clary was quite the chubby child, she wasn’t fat by any means but her cheeks were a bit rounder than the average kid and her body a bit plump, of course that didn’t matter when she was yet to hit puberty. Kids are allowed to be a bit plump and cosy, but when puberty hit and she gained boobs and hips and her body started acting up the comments began.

The first was from a professional outlook by a doctor that told her that a BMI of 24.5 wasn’t bad and unhealthy but to keep an eye on that so that it didn’t change for the worse. She was only thirteen at that point and her mother Jocelyn told her that it was nothing to worry about, it was just a little extra baby fat that would disappear with age. So Clary didn’t worry.

But then came gymnastics in school and disgusting locker rooms, tons of girls comparing bra sizes and complaining about thick thighs, all while Clary sat and stared at her quite flat chest but plump thighs and the slight bulge of her stomach. But she kept her mother’s words close to heart and didn’t think too much of it, she would grow out of it.

But of course, in a locker room of around twenty-something girls all in the early to mid stages of puberty there were bound to be mean comments and comparisons, which is what Clary was met by when she took her blouse off to change into her sports shirt. “How come your boobs are so small if you’re fat?” a girl named Sandra asked, Clary had never liked her much.

“I’m not...fat?” Clary stated as she quietly covered her waist and chest, she wasn’t fat, just a bit chubby like kids are. “Then why do you have excess skin on your stomach? And why are your arms a bit flabby?” Clary hated her in that moment, and everyone else in that disgusting locker room because they laughed. They laughed at her, humiliated her as she stood in nothing but a pair of sweatpants wishing to disappear and cuddle up with Simon.

“It’s really not an attractive look Clary, but I mean, if you’re friends with Simon then I guess I can’t expect much more from you,” at thirteen years of age you aren’t grown, but you are by no means a baby, you understand the prejudices to an extent and you understand the mean comments. And they affect you, badly.  
That day Clary skips gymnastics and calls her mom asking to go home, and Jocelyn, the ever loving mother tells her to come home as soon as she hears the distress in her daughter's voice. Clary dresses quickly without spending herself a second glance and grabs her backpack, she passes Simon on the way who grabs her by the arm to stop her from leaving but Clary only shakes her head and pecks his cheek.

As soon as she gets home and sees the red hair of her mother on the couch she drops her bag and hurries over, and as her mother opens her arms she falls into them and cries. She cries because of what Sandra said and she cries because of her classmates laughing at her, and she cries for Simon, for her best friend and most of all, for herself.

She spends the rest of the day on the couch with her mother eating out of a tub of ice cream and watching reruns of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, when the time for dinner comes Jocelyn cooks a great meal and they eat it heartily together with Luke in the dim light of the kitchen. It’s comfortable and Clary doesn’t feel so bad anymore. 

But that doesn’t stop her from cutting down on the snacks during recess or the late night meals, instead she eats normally and relatively healthy, she skips the chips in school and grabs lots of vegetables. She works extra hard and exerts herself during gymnastics, whether it be soccer or dance she does it all. She even signs up for a gym card together with Simon, not that they do much. Mostly they run or do sit ups with a 3kg ball. She loses the extra baby weight and slims down as she continues to grow. 

But the happiness can’t last forever. She’s in high school the next time someone comments about her weight and this time it’s worse, because this time it’s not baby fat. It’s not Sandra anymore though, Sandra doesn’t go to the same high school as her because her family moved to Montana two years back.

This time it’s a boy, a boy Clary likes very much. He’s a senior which already means bad news, Simon warns her constantly but Clary ignores him and decides to confess to him, thankfully it’s not in the cafeteria in front of the whole school, it’s behind the school where her bike is parked. She’s nervous and fidgety as he stands in front of her with a cig in his mouth and a cocked eyebrow, “I like you,” is what she says. She should have known, she thinks as remembers the day, she should have known what would follow, she should have understood that there was no way a senior could like her. But she was young and foolish.

“Okay,” is what he said and Clary blanched, did that mean he liked her? Would he kiss her now?

“Do you like me?”

He laughed, and Clary wishes she could say that it was a sweet sound that brought warmth to her heart but it was the exact opposite, it was cold and cruel. “No,” he laughed and blew out smoke, “of course I don’t,” he said and Clary ignored the single tear wanting to well over. She held her head high and asked, “why?”

“Have you seen the people that confess to me? And have you looked at yourself? If I turned them down did you really think you’d have a chance?” Clary didn’t know why she didn’t run away, why she didn’t turn around and pretend she never said anything, but she continued.

“Looks aren’t everything?” she said and she wishes she had not, because the following words were the start of it all, “in this world they are,” he had said and left. 

When Simon came to unlock his bike she was still standing in her place, unmoving and numb, and when he asked her what happened she only shook her head and smiled, “nothing, absolutely nothing.”

The rest of high school went fine, from an outsider’s point of view, she smiled, she laughed, she continued to advance her art, Simon joined a band, she went to poetry nights and made friends. She forgot about Sandra from middle school and she forgot about the boy she liked as a sophomore, but she never forgot his words. She picked up makeup only a few months after his graduation and she followed the trends. 

She lost weight as well, she went from normal and healthy to one of those super model thin people that others were jealous of. Her legs slimmed down and her arms were no longer flabby, her cheekbones and collarbones stood out and her jawline was defined, she still looked healthy, she wasn’t starving herself. Her mother made sure of that.  
She was just skinny, and pretty.

In her senior year no sophomore confessed to her, but she sometimes heard whispers of wonder and admiration for her body. It made her proud, it made her happy to finally be pretty.

When she graduated she held her head high and threw her hat up with pride, pride for making it through school with good grades, proud for making it through school with Simon by her side, and proud for making it through school and ending up pretty. She was finally pretty and that Sandra girl and that senior guy could suck it because she was worthy.

But then she was introduced to the shadowhunter world and her mother got kidnapped, she met Jace who immediately caught her eye and she met Alec who hated her, and she met Isabelle, pretty Isabelle with big boobs, a thin waist, slender but not skeleton legs, a butt and a flat stomach. She was perfect. And suddenly the pride from graduation slowly faded.

 

In the short period of her shadowhunter adventures she lost her mother, was betrayed by Luke, found out her father was a murderer and one of the most dangerous men to ever live, realized that her childhood was a lie and that lots of her memories were gone. She fell in love with Jace, lost Simon, got Simon back but not like she wanted, saw her friends struggle with life. Saw Alec go against his own being to please his family, saw Isabelle be accused of things she had no part of, saw Lydia get hurt, saw Luke get hurt, saw Jace get hurt, saw Magnus lose a friend, saw her friends get hurt, and had her whole life flipped upside down by Valentine.

And in the end, she got her mother back but lost Jace. And never in that short period of time did she feel prettier, lighter, skinnier. Only hurt, betrayed, and sad. Of course there was happiness, when she kissed Jace, when Alec kissed Magnus, when Isabelle was freed of her charges, when Luke became alpha and when she got her mother back.

But Simon is still dead, and Jace is still gone. And Clary is still the chubby child from middle school, and the insecure teen from high school. 

Only difference is that now she knows real pain, worse than a few comments at school, much worse.

**Author's Note:**

> Please talk to someone, I'm so sorry fro not writing a long message about how you're worthy and all right now but I am so very tired and sad right now so please, https://www.7cups.com/ this is a good site if you need to talk to someone. And please do, if you recognize yourself in Clary's behavior. It's not healthy and I know that
> 
> Leave a comment if you have any thoughts or even requests... <3


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